Five years ago, our lives were going along just fine. That isn't to say we didn't have any worries. We were just trying to do our best and love our family. A family that was large by all definition. Tim and I had decided that we were done having children after our sweet Emmaline blessed our home. Our home was full. We were sure we were done and proud. We were young and felt as though we could still be young as our kids got older. We jokingly said it would take an act of God for us to have another.
Fast forward a little while. I dreamt that I saw a little girl waiting for my at the top of the stairs. Just a dream I thought. Until it happened again. I started wondering if we were wrong. I didn't want to be wrong. We had done what we had planned. Now we could go on and enjoy the kids we had. Right? Wrong. This feeling that some one was missing made me so sad. And a little mad. I was skinny again. I had spent my years losing baby weight etc.
I decide one day to approach Tim on the subject. Remember, we had a plan!! I said, "I think we are supposed to have another baby AND I just want to warn you that I know its a girl. Imagine the look on my sweet husbands face. Keeping in mind that we had a plan. Not to mention 4 girls. He thinks I am wrong. I was hoping I was wrong. So I said,"okay. You fast and pray about it and let me know. Maybe I am wrong."
Tim travels a lot and a little bit of time went by. Once in a while Tim would still tell me he thought I was wrong. Then one day Tim said he was asking, just out loud asking "Is there another baby for us?'
The answer he heard was "YES" in a child's voice. I don't think he was expecting that but it's what he got. Then we decided to listen. We weren't getting any younger. I got pregnant right away. But then miscarried which made me realize I wasn't just doing what I thought was right. I wanted that baby. Even knowing it was a girl kind.
Hazel has been a blessing in our lives since the day she was born. I can't believe that day was a year ago. The story that you can't read from these pictures is that Hazel is loved, cherished even. Every now and then Emmie will say, "We are so lucky to have Hazel in our family." She is loved by so many. Missed by her brother, and spoiled by all. We love you Hazey Layne. We loved your name sake more than words truly can express. You remind me of her everyday. I am grateful!
Hazel is one of seven loves of my life. I love that she growls at me every time she sees me. Would rather stay with Carey than come to me. Knows that Shelley lives across the street with every treat known to man waiting for Hazel to come visit. Hazel has an awesome big brother whom I am sure was missing her today. I hope she feels the love he has for her. A year ago today he would not leave the hospital while Hazel and I were there. He is a great big brother. I am glad she has him to look up too.
I am in love with this face. Sheer heaven for a pint size like Hazel. She knew it was her day and she worked it!!! Happy First Birthday to my sweet Hazel!
Have you ever had an experience that was so painful it shook your very soul? Have you ever prayed that you could forget the pain? I have. Luckily, I never forgot the pain. If I had, I might have missed the joy that I felt today as I hugged my nephew, Thomas.
Three weeks after giving birth to Jaxson, my baby boy, my puddin' head, my sister gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. She was young. She placed that sweet baby with an adoptive family. I remember the day so clearly. I woke up at 6 am to Kate standing beside my bed telling me her water broke. I was exhausted. I had a newborn and hadn't been getting much sleep. I selfishly said, "Are you sure?" Of course she was sure.
What kind of question was that? The kind that wants just 5 more minutes of sleep.
Off to the hospital we went.
Hours later Kate delivered a beautiful baby boy. Kate said from the beginning that she felt like this baby wasn't supposed to be hers. So she gave him up for adoption. That sentence doesn't even begin to describe what she did. Kate had a strength that I am ashamed to say I have never had. I know it broke her heart. But she knew there was a better place for him.
Tonight I met him again. He is a man. He is absolutely beautiful. I watched that baby be born. I watched it rip my sisters heart out as she let him go.
Over the years we half joked that he lived nearby. Jaxson once told me he had a friend that was a adopted. I immediately asked when his birthday was. We were sure he lived nearby. It turns out we were right. He lives a mile from our homes. He went to the same high school as my kids. He will be in the MTC with Jaxson.
Here are a few pics from this evening.
I haven't met his adoptive family. I imagine they are fabulous people. I can't thank them enough. They raised one heck of a boy. I am grateful that I am able to have a part in his life again.
I have loved him from the first moment I saw him!!1
I drove past Shelly Elementary today. I remember a young boy SO excited to ride his bike to school. I remember a nervous mama that followed a ways behind him to make sure he made it. Man, were those the days. People tried to tell me, when I had 5 little kids and every day seemed like Groundhog Day, that one day I would miss that. I wanted to slap them. I was crazy and exhausted. I felt subpar as a parent. How right they were. Those days seem like yesterday.
Today my baby boy is 19.
He is a man.
I am so proud of him.
He will be leaving to serve a mission in 2 1/2 months.
I am proud of him.
I cry. While there is nothing I would rather have him do, I will miss him.
I asked him last night if he knew that all his father and I want is for him to be a "real" person. True to himself. He replied, "Oh yes mom. I know."
He is a real person.
He makes mistakes. He takes responsibility. He tries to do what is right.
He makes me happy.
I think, "Was I good example? Did I teach him the things he will need to know? Did I love him enough? Did I trust him too much or not enough. Does he know that no matter what I will love him?
Does he know that me heart aches just in anticipation of missing him? Did I do my job in preparing him for life in this world."
Lucky for me, and him, I have had so many wonderful people to help. Mostly his dad. I look at Jax and know that he got so many good things from Tim. To put it simply, Jaxson is good. I am not sure how to describe it but good like Tim. He loves. He forgives. He teaches.
He is awesome!!
That is Tim behind him. Tim sat in the water for hours helping the kids learn to surf.
I have no doubt that one day Jax will do the same for his family.
Jax is a good friend. To me. Always. To my friends. To their kids. To his sisters.To his friends.
I love him.
I think he was mad when we found out Hazel was a girl. I know that there is an ache inside him as he prepares to leave knowing he will miss the first few years of her life. He loves her and is a great big brother to Hazel and all of his sisters.
I am eternally grateful for this family of mine.
And for Jaxson's place in it.
Nineteen years ago I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. Life has been a roller coaster of ups and downs.
I never imagined, even on that day, how much love I could have for someone. I love my little boy with all my heart!
Happy Birthday to my most amazing son. My Puddin' Head! My baby boy......
it is hard to believe that 8 months has gone by since hazel joined our family. today, it has. i am quite sure that hazel will never remember the significance of our hawaiian vacation 2012. this will be our last big vacation before jax leaves on his mission. tears.........
rather that do a sitting with hazel, i decided to use a few images from our vaca. before i post, let me state that i doubt there was ever a better baby on a vacation of this magnitude. hazel never got a nap without being woken up. she rarely fell asleep in the same place twice. we woke this baby up, we dragged her all over maui, we even forgot her bottle on a 5 hour boat trip. she rarely complained. hazel even had 2 teeth break through one night while we were gone. that night was a rough go.
hazel is loved beyond measure. she can get up on all fours and lung forward, but still doesn't officially crawl. i believe that she believes that if we would just put her down she would be able to keep up with all the other kids that our in and out of hazel's life.
she has 2 teeth.
she growls when she isn't loving what is going on around her.
mom is her favorite right now. (smile)
hazel gives open mouth, tongue filled kisses to most.
she will play with us. sometimes if you ask for a kiss, she will let you come in for the kill and then giggle and turn away.
she stood on one leg while waiting for the water to come.
she loves her family. she knows us and gets excited to see us.
she is brilliant!!
she will clap on command AND loves to play "patty cake." it might be the cutest thing i have ever seen.
we love this baby more than i ever dreamed possible.
so grateful for every minute we get with this baby.